Monday, January 16, 2017

Tip of the Iceberg

The trauma I've faced, sometimes it's too much to take. It was soooo much more than just domestic violence. This person was a predator, a pedophile, an abusive drunk - abusive in every way you can imagine; physically, emotionally, sexually. I say pedophile because I was only 13 while he was 24. Unfortunately I also lived with him. I was a housewife at 13. I had to have dinner ready and still hot when he got home from work. Everything had to be perfect, although every time there was something wrong with it. I had to wash his motorcycle and his dog. The house had better be clean too. That was never good enough either. I was in 3 motorcycle accidents with him and he never took me to the hospital. He said he would patch me up at home, when actually I patched up myself. There's so much more that I don't feel like getting into right now. Suffice to say that this is just the very tip of the iceberg...


Ugh! Sometimes it's such a simple thing that leads to such complicated emotions and thoughts and memories. Even though it happened 35 years ago, the brutal murder of my Aunt Karen still heavily affects me. Not sure how to deal with this in any other way, so I'm writing. Today the memory or flashback actually, was triggered by a knife. I was washing a few dishes when I saw it. A paring knife. That's what she was killed with. Stabbed 9 times in the throat, after being knocked out by a punch in the face. I was only 5 and have only one actual memory of her. Nonetheless I'm still seriously traumatized by it. I don't want to go into detail right now. Probably will soon. But you know what probably scarred me more than that? Another aunt of mine (by marriage) was a drunk and, after getting false information about Karen's murder, decided she would tell me all the gory details of what happened plus some stuff that the media had gotten wrong. I was only 5! Why would anyone tell these things to a 5yr old?!?!?! I hate her for that. I've had nothing but violent nightmares since then. Again I'm faced with the question of why?! 

Friday, January 6, 2017

You Don't Deserve Space in My Head

Just the recent rantings of my mind:

You can have your shame
You can have your pain
It's yours
You caused it
I don't want it anymore

Just take it away
I don't care how
Just make it fade
Since you dished it out
You should have to take it
Take it away

I want nothing from you
I never did
I don't even want revenge
I want no memory of you
Or the things you did
You don't deserve space in my head


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Anxiety Touches

Goin down in a spiral
Don't know what to do
Depression not so much
But anxiety's through the roof

I'm tryin so hard
Just to make it through
Tried the ER
But they just throw pills and bills at you

Goin to therapy
But that only helps so much
When you cry every day
Cause anxiety's got you crushed

Gotta keep prayin
It's my only recourse
I'm tryin to be positive
Gotta keep lit that torch

The torch of hope
Hope for the future
A time of no pain
When everything's kosher

But sometimes I don't wanna be positive
I hate it all
I'm so exhausted
I often fall

Fall into the trap
Trap of self pity
It's just like quick sand
Can't move, full of rigidity

Anxiety touches
Every aspect of my life

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Micah 6:8

  • He has told you, O man, what is good. And what is Jehovah requiring of you? Only to exercise justice, to cherish loyalty, And to walk in modesty with your God!
    • Micah 6:8

Monday, April 25, 2016

Joshua 24:15

Now if it seems bad to you to serve Jehovah, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve,... But as for me and my household, we will serve Jehovah.”

Philippians 4:6, 7

Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

1 John 5:3

For this is what the love of God means, that we observe his commandments; and yet his commandments are not burdensome,

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I'm starting something new and positive

I'm starting something new and positive. I'm going to start posting some of my favorite scriptures. I hope you enjoy!

We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;  we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 8:9

Thursday, April 14, 2016

2am Ramblings

So I'm awake again at 2am With racing thoughts again So much on my mind Even trivial things are keeping me awake. Some very random thoughts, some hurtful, some positive. Trying to focus on the positive, but focusing isn't exactly working right now. I'm so tired, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can also still hear the tv. I can barely concentrate on writing this. I wish I had an actual keyboard to type this on. It would be so much easier! Anyway, my poor husband is so sick right now, and there's nothing I can do to help. My oldest daughter is also sick and on her period, that's just not fair! I miss my Mama, but I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her, but it's going to take many months to get enough. I need to be approved for SSI so badly. I wish they would believe me, I wish they would understand! I just can't work. I mean if you combine my physical health with my mental health, or lack thereof, there's no way I can even work part time somewhere. I just can't be counted on to be consistent or adhere to any kind of schedule. I can't do it. My anxiety is too high, all the time. I don't understand what they want from me, what do I have to do to prove these things?! Geesh, I guess I needed to vent about that! I'm just worried because we're going to get less cash assistance from the state since my oldest just turned 18. So I don't know if we'll make the bills. And I really don't know how I'm going to save to visit Mom now. :( I don't know what to do. Just keep pluggin I guess. Ok, I'm trying to back to positive again. I am very thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like the fact that we get cash assistance at all. The fact that we have food stamps and get SSI for my youngest. The simple fact that we have our own place to live! That is such a blessing. And this congregation that we're in! It has restored my faith in the fact that we can rely and will be able to rely on each other in times of trouble. And that we can have close friends that are in the truth. That they will invite us and not just the other way around. I actually feel loved and thought about by my brothers and sisters. It's been a while since I could say that. And I'm so happy to have the little family that I do. We're all so close. We of course have our problems like everyone else, but we all get along most of the time and we all love each other deeply. We also laugh all the time, it's great! Well, on the troublesome side again, I can't seem to get these painful memories from my past out of my head. Everyday now it seems I'm having panic attacks because of them. How do I prove that to the SSA?! Well I'm really tired so this is it for now.