Stuck

My head is spinning
No one thought is winning
I'm stuck

Stuck in a cycle
From convos to recitals
I need help

Help with my thought process
Before I yet again regress
Please

Please make it all stop
I'm going down like a drop
Take me away

Away from this madness
Anxiety and unending sadness
It's too much

Too much for me to bare
These thoughts I can't even share
When will it
End

Psalm 27:14

14 Hope in Jehovah; Be courageous and strong of heart. Yes, hope in Jehovah.

Isaiah 65:21-23

21 They will build houses and live in them, And they will plant vineyards and eat their fruitage. 22 They will not build for someone else to inhabit, Nor will they plant for others to eat. For the days of my people will be like the days of a tree, And the work of their hands my chosen ones will enjoy to the full. 23 They will not toil for nothing, Nor will they bear children for distress, Because they are the offspring made up of those blessed by Jehovah, And their descendants with them.

Baby Oli, I'm Sorry

My stomach's churning

The wheels in my mind won't stop turning

Just want it out of my head

I know something should be said

If I do you won't be in my life

If I don't I'll live with much strife

How can I not, it's not fair

He would never hurt a single hair

How could I live with myself

I have to stand up for him better than he could himself

This whole thing's not fair

But they took it there

I have to be a good example

Because apparently in your life those won't be ample 

They'll deprive us of each other

Even though I'm your grandmother

I want to keep you near

Where do I go from here

You're Fired

I clearly have autistic traits
Yet you say I'm fine right to my face

Oh you gonna treat me like a petulant child
Your services are no longer required

No matter the problem we should be treated with respect
If you stay up on your high horse
You'll eventually get wrecked

I can't imagine why you think you're so much better
We're equal human beings
That should come together

Come together from a place of love
Like Jehovah God does from above

I don't want to judge you, it is not my place
We're supposed to love the entire human race

But you make it so difficult

Negativity Negates Progress

Negativity Negates Progress

Where do I start
Where do I begin
I'm trying even harder
But I don't think this ever will end

His suffering's behind him
But not when it comes to me
He's living with his abuser
He's haunted by those memories

I have to say
That I've done wrong
If I'm wrong about this
What if I've been wrong all along

It IS my fault
I shouldn't have been with those men
If I'd have had half a backbone
It wouldn't have happened again

If only I'd been obedient
In the first place
I wouldn't have been so scarred
Left with so many lines on this face

They say I was a kid
I didn't know any better
But that's not true
Otherwise I wouldn't have tried to keep it secret whatsoever

But now I'm all grown up
Yet I feel like a petulant child
Maybe there's something to the whole BPD thing
Cuz I've felt this way all the while

This is no pity party
I'm just so sorry...

I Want What You Need

I Want What You Need

I've been working hard 
On the things that I need
I hope you can tell
I hope you can see
Cuz I want you to see
And just feel free
Free to speak your mind
To speak to me about anything, anytime
I want you to feel
Feel love for me
But not for me
But for you
For you to feel that warmth
That warmth in your heart when you think 
Think of me
When we're apart
Apart physically
Physically but mentally
Mentally and emotionally
So you feel good
Good and safe
Safe and sound as they say
The excited when I get home
Type a way
Like The I need my mom
Kinda way
I wish you could trust
Trust what I say
Trust what I say is true
So you feel confident
Confident and reassured
So you can feel that all is right in your world

Tip of the Iceberg

The trauma I've faced, sometimes it's too much to take. It was soooo much more than just domestic violence. This person was a predator, a pedophile, an abusive drunk - abusive in every way you can imagine; physically, emotionally, sexually. I say pedophile because I was only 13 while he was 24. Unfortunately I also lived with him. I was a housewife at 13. I had to have dinner ready and still hot when he got home from work. Everything had to be perfect, although every time there was something wrong with it. I had to wash his motorcycle and his dog. The house had better be clean too. That was never good enough either. I was in 3 motorcycle accidents with him and he never took me to the hospital. He said he would patch me up at home, when actually I patched up myself. There's so much more that I don't feel like getting into right now. Suffice to say that this is just the very tip of the iceberg...

Why

Ugh! Sometimes it's such a simple thing that leads to such complicated emotions and thoughts and memories. Even though it happened 35 years ago, the brutal murder of my Aunt Karen still heavily affects me. Not sure how to deal with this in any other way, so I'm writing. Today the memory or flashback actually, was triggered by a knife. I was washing a few dishes when I saw it. A paring knife. That's what she was killed with. Stabbed 9 times in the throat, after being knocked out by a punch in the face. I was only 5 and have only one actual memory of her. Nonetheless I'm still seriously traumatized by it. I don't want to go into detail right now. Probably will soon. But you know what probably scarred me more than that? Another aunt of mine (by marriage) was a drunk and, after getting false information about Karen's murder, decided she would tell me all the gory details of what happened plus some stuff that the media had gotten wrong. I was only 5! Why would anyone tell these things to a 5yr old?!?!?! I hate her for that. I've had nothing but violent nightmares since then. Again I'm faced with the question of why?!