Monday, January 16, 2017

Tip of the Iceberg

The trauma I've faced, sometimes it's too much to take. It was soooo much more than just domestic violence. This person was a predator, a pedophile, an abusive drunk - abusive in every way you can imagine; physically, emotionally, sexually. I say pedophile because I was only 13 while he was 24. Unfortunately I also lived with him. I was a housewife at 13. I had to have dinner ready and still hot when he got home from work. Everything had to be perfect, although every time there was something wrong with it. I had to wash his motorcycle and his dog. The house had better be clean too. That was never good enough either. I was in 3 motorcycle accidents with him and he never took me to the hospital. He said he would patch me up at home, when actually I patched up myself. There's so much more that I don't feel like getting into right now. Suffice to say that this is just the very tip of the iceberg...


Ugh! Sometimes it's such a simple thing that leads to such complicated emotions and thoughts and memories. Even though it happened 35 years ago, the brutal murder of my Aunt Karen still heavily affects me. Not sure how to deal with this in any other way, so I'm writing. Today the memory or flashback actually, was triggered by a knife. I was washing a few dishes when I saw it. A paring knife. That's what she was killed with. Stabbed 9 times in the throat, after being knocked out by a punch in the face. I was only 5 and have only one actual memory of her. Nonetheless I'm still seriously traumatized by it. I don't want to go into detail right now. Probably will soon. But you know what probably scarred me more than that? Another aunt of mine (by marriage) was a drunk and, after getting false information about Karen's murder, decided she would tell me all the gory details of what happened plus some stuff that the media had gotten wrong. I was only 5! Why would anyone tell these things to a 5yr old?!?!?! I hate her for that. I've had nothing but violent nightmares since then. Again I'm faced with the question of why?! 

Friday, January 6, 2017

You Don't Deserve Space in My Head

Just the recent rantings of my mind:

You can have your shame
You can have your pain
It's yours
You caused it
I don't want it anymore

Just take it away
I don't care how
Just make it fade
Since you dished it out
You should have to take it
Take it away

I want nothing from you
I never did
I don't even want revenge
I want no memory of you
Or the things you did
You don't deserve space in my head