Thursday, April 14, 2016

2am Ramblings

So I'm awake again at 2am With racing thoughts again So much on my mind Even trivial things are keeping me awake. Some very random thoughts, some hurtful, some positive. Trying to focus on the positive, but focusing isn't exactly working right now. I'm so tired, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can also still hear the tv. I can barely concentrate on writing this. I wish I had an actual keyboard to type this on. It would be so much easier! Anyway, my poor husband is so sick right now, and there's nothing I can do to help. My oldest daughter is also sick and on her period, that's just not fair! I miss my Mama, but I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her, but it's going to take many months to get enough. I need to be approved for SSI so badly. I wish they would believe me, I wish they would understand! I just can't work. I mean if you combine my physical health with my mental health, or lack thereof, there's no way I can even work part time somewhere. I just can't be counted on to be consistent or adhere to any kind of schedule. I can't do it. My anxiety is too high, all the time. I don't understand what they want from me, what do I have to do to prove these things?! Geesh, I guess I needed to vent about that! I'm just worried because we're going to get less cash assistance from the state since my oldest just turned 18. So I don't know if we'll make the bills. And I really don't know how I'm going to save to visit Mom now. :( I don't know what to do. Just keep pluggin I guess. Ok, I'm trying to back to positive again. I am very thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like the fact that we get cash assistance at all. The fact that we have food stamps and get SSI for my youngest. The simple fact that we have our own place to live! That is such a blessing. And this congregation that we're in! It has restored my faith in the fact that we can rely and will be able to rely on each other in times of trouble. And that we can have close friends that are in the truth. That they will invite us and not just the other way around. I actually feel loved and thought about by my brothers and sisters. It's been a while since I could say that. And I'm so happy to have the little family that I do. We're all so close. We of course have our problems like everyone else, but we all get along most of the time and we all love each other deeply. We also laugh all the time, it's great! Well, on the troublesome side again, I can't seem to get these painful memories from my past out of my head. Everyday now it seems I'm having panic attacks because of them. How do I prove that to the SSA?! Well I'm really tired so this is it for now.

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