Psalm 27:14

14 Hope in Jehovah; Be courageous and strong of heart. Yes, hope in Jehovah.

Isaiah 65:21-23

21 They will build houses and live in them, And they will plant vineyards and eat their fruitage. 22 They will not build for someone else to inhabit, Nor will they plant for others to eat. For the days of my people will be like the days of a tree, And the work of their hands my chosen ones will enjoy to the full. 23 They will not toil for nothing, Nor will they bear children for distress, Because they are the offspring made up of those blessed by Jehovah, And their descendants with them.

Baby Oli, I'm Sorry

My stomach's churning

The wheels in my mind won't stop turning

Just want it out of my head

I know something should be said

If I do you won't be in my life

If I don't I'll live with much strife

How can I not, it's not fair

He would never hurt a single hair

How could I live with myself

I have to stand up for him better than he could himself

This whole thing's not fair

But they took it there

I have to be a good example

Because apparently in your life those won't be ample 

They'll deprive us of each other

Even though I'm your grandmother

I want to keep you near

Where do I go from here

You're Fired

I clearly have autistic traits
Yet you say I'm fine right to my face

Oh you gonna treat me like a petulant child
Your services are no longer required

No matter the problem we should be treated with respect
If you stay up on your high horse
You'll eventually get wrecked

I can't imagine why you think you're so much better
We're equal human beings
That should come together

Come together from a place of love
Like Jehovah God does from above

I don't want to judge you, it is not my place
We're supposed to love the entire human race

But you make it so difficult

Negativity Negates Progress

Negativity Negates Progress

Where do I start
Where do I begin
I'm trying even harder
But I don't think this ever will end

His suffering's behind him
But not when it comes to me
He's living with his abuser
He's haunted by those memories

I have to say
That I've done wrong
If I'm wrong about this
What if I've been wrong all along

It IS my fault
I shouldn't have been with those men
If I'd have had half a backbone
It wouldn't have happened again

If only I'd been obedient
In the first place
I wouldn't have been so scarred
Left with so many lines on this face

They say I was a kid
I didn't know any better
But that's not true
Otherwise I wouldn't have tried to keep it secret whatsoever

But now I'm all grown up
Yet I feel like a petulant child
Maybe there's something to the whole BPD thing
Cuz I've felt this way all the while

This is no pity party
I'm just so sorry...

I Want What You Need

I Want What You Need

I've been working hard 
On the things that I need
I hope you can tell
I hope you can see
Cuz I want you to see
And just feel free
Free to speak your mind
To speak to me about anything, anytime
I want you to feel
Feel love for me
But not for me
But for you
For you to feel that warmth
That warmth in your heart when you think 
Think of me
When we're apart
Apart physically
Physically but mentally
Mentally and emotionally
So you feel good
Good and safe
Safe and sound as they say
The excited when I get home
Type a way
Like The I need my mom
Kinda way
I wish you could trust
Trust what I say
Trust what I say is true
So you feel confident
Confident and reassured
So you can feel that all is right in your world

Tip of the Iceberg

The trauma I've faced, sometimes it's too much to take. It was soooo much more than just domestic violence. This person was a predator, a pedophile, an abusive drunk - abusive in every way you can imagine; physically, emotionally, sexually. I say pedophile because I was only 13 while he was 24. Unfortunately I also lived with him. I was a housewife at 13. I had to have dinner ready and still hot when he got home from work. Everything had to be perfect, although every time there was something wrong with it. I had to wash his motorcycle and his dog. The house had better be clean too. That was never good enough either. I was in 3 motorcycle accidents with him and he never took me to the hospital. He said he would patch me up at home, when actually I patched up myself. There's so much more that I don't feel like getting into right now. Suffice to say that this is just the very tip of the iceberg...

Why

Ugh! Sometimes it's such a simple thing that leads to such complicated emotions and thoughts and memories. Even though it happened 35 years ago, the brutal murder of my Aunt Karen still heavily affects me. Not sure how to deal with this in any other way, so I'm writing. Today the memory or flashback actually, was triggered by a knife. I was washing a few dishes when I saw it. A paring knife. That's what she was killed with. Stabbed 9 times in the throat, after being knocked out by a punch in the face. I was only 5 and have only one actual memory of her. Nonetheless I'm still seriously traumatized by it. I don't want to go into detail right now. Probably will soon. But you know what probably scarred me more than that? Another aunt of mine (by marriage) was a drunk and, after getting false information about Karen's murder, decided she would tell me all the gory details of what happened plus some stuff that the media had gotten wrong. I was only 5! Why would anyone tell these things to a 5yr old?!?!?! I hate her for that. I've had nothing but violent nightmares since then. Again I'm faced with the question of why?! 

You Don't Deserve Space in My Head

Just the recent rantings of my mind:

You can have your shame
You can have your pain
It's yours
You caused it
I don't want it anymore

Just take it away
I don't care how
Just make it fade
Since you dished it out
You should have to take it
Take it away
Now

I want nothing from you
I never did
I don't even want revenge
I want no memory of you
Or the things you did
You don't deserve space in my head

GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP
GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP
GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP

Anxiety Touches

Goin down in a spiral

Don't know what to do

Depression not so much

But anxiety's through the roof

I'm tryin so hard

Just to make it through

Tried the ER

But they just throw pills and bills at you

Goin to therapy

But that only helps so much

When you cry every day

Cause anxiety's got you crushed

Gotta keep prayin

It's my only recourse

I'm tryin to be positive

Gotta keep lit that torch

The torch of hope

Hope for the future

A time of no pain

When everything's kosher

But sometimes I don't wanna be positive

I hate it all

I'm so exhausted
I often fall

Fall into the trap
Trap of self pity
It's just like quick sand
Can't move, full of rigidity

Anxiety touches
Every aspect of my life

Micah 6:8

• He has told you, O man, what is good. And what is Jehovah requiring of you? Only to exercise justice, to cherish loyalty, And to walk in modesty with your God!
• • Micah 6:8

Joshua 24:15

Now if it seems bad to you to serve Jehovah, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve,... But as for me and my household, we will serve Jehovah.”

Philippians 4:6, 7

Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

1 John 5:3

For this is what the love of God means, that we observe his commandments; and yet his commandments are not burdensome,

2 Corinthians 8:9

I'm starting something new and positive. I'm going to start posting some of my favorite scriptures. I hope you enjoy!

We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;  we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 8:9

2am Ramblings

So I'm awake again at 2am With racing thoughts again So much on my mind Even trivial things are keeping me awake. Some very random thoughts, some hurtful, some positive. Trying to focus on the positive, but focusing isn't exactly working right now. I'm so tired, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can also still hear the tv. I can barely concentrate on writing this. I wish I had an actual keyboard to type this on. It would be so much easier! Anyway, my poor husband is so sick right now, and there's nothing I can do to help. My oldest daughter is also sick and on her period, that's just not fair! I miss my Mama, but I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her, but it's going to take many months to get enough. I need to be approved for SSI so badly. I wish they would believe me, I wish they would understand! I just can't work. I mean if you combine my physical health with my mental health, or lack thereof, there's no way I can even work part time somewhere. I just can't be counted on to be consistent or adhere to any kind of schedule. I can't do it. My anxiety is too high, all the time. I don't understand what they want from me, what do I have to do to prove these things?! Geesh, I guess I needed to vent about that! I'm just worried because we're going to get less cash assistance from the state since my oldest just turned 18. So I don't know if we'll make the bills. And I really don't know how I'm going to save to visit Mom now. :( I don't know what to do. Just keep pluggin I guess. Ok, I'm trying to back to positive again. I am very thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like the fact that we get cash assistance at all. The fact that we have food stamps and get SSI for my youngest. The simple fact that we have our own place to live! That is such a blessing. And this congregation that we're in! It has restored my faith in the fact that we can rely and will be able to rely on each other in times of trouble. And that we can have close friends that are in the truth. That they will invite us and not just the other way around. I actually feel loved and thought about by my brothers and sisters. It's been a while since I could say that. And I'm so happy to have the little family that I do. We're all so close. We of course have our problems like everyone else, but we all get along most of the time and we all love each other deeply. We also laugh all the time, it's great! Well, on the troublesome side again, I can't seem to get these painful memories from my past out of my head. Everyday now it seems I'm having panic attacks because of them. How do I prove that to the SSA?! Well I'm really tired so this is it for now.

Problems? What Problems?!

So this is my time to whine. No one will probably even see this, which suits me just fine. I mean who wants to read someone's woe is me blog, right? I just wanted to vent. I'm tired , and have a cold. My washer won't work right so it takes an unbelievable 4 hours to wash a small load! So now it's  midnight and I'm still up waiting for it to finish. Then I have to hang up the clothes and just hope they will be dry by 9am, or before that actually so we can leave by then. Not to mention that our water heater keeps breaking and the pipes keep breaking. So sometimes we're even without water for hours at a time. Geesh my head hurts just thinking about it!

Those are the trivial problems. Our power will get shut off if we can't pay almost $200 by the day after tomorrow. Then the next bill is due 8 days later. We have no income right now. I'm disabled and sick and can not work. My husband can only work sporadically due to his own health conditions. I have had my application for SSI and SSD denied over and over again for over 5 years, with what looks like no end in sight. Our internet bill has been overdue for who knows how long. I'm seriously surprised they haven't shut it off yet! Thankfully our roommate does get SSI and SSD and therefore can pay the rent and phone bill. But even that isn't guaranteed because things keep happening with his bank account so we keep being at least a little short on the rent.

As if that wasn't enough, our food stamps didn't get recharged when they were supposed to. So now I have to call them and figure out what the heck is going on. In the mean time, we hardly have any food. Plus, now I'm getting fat! So maybe it's a good thing we don't have much food! Ugh! So that's it for now. I figure, Why not save more for later.

P.S. Oh yeah, did I mention I was just diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and am now on 4 different medications? Yep. : D

'Nuff Said

'Nuff Said

I know now how strong I was

In the face of your abuse, everything

Cause I was still stubborn

Spoke my mind, said anything

Yeah you hit my face

But I get to rub it in yours

Cause I got a man now

Who can cook and do chores

So go ahead and think you're tough

Cause you frighten and hit little girls

While he's the real man

Cause 2 little girls think he's the world

Meanwhile, you need knives and guns

Or you won't face a man

While mine can protect me

With his bare hands

So you can have your beer

Your bike, your 'friends'

Cause you will never touch me

Ever again

Helter Skelter

I needed protection
but I didn't get it
For your self-preservation
Mine was neglected

So sit in your recliner
While I live in a shelter
Go play some more golf
While my life is helter skelter

I never want to see other people again
Just leave me alone
Especially the men

Not all men are bad
But I can't trust that
Only my husband is good
Fortunately I stumbled onto that

So much more I want to write
Much more I have to say
But my brain has stopped working
So maybe another day

Self-pity Quick Sand

At least I've saved them from this mess
Yet my kids are still depressed

Why me is all I can think
Sometimes I hate myself
And in self pity then I sink
I want to put it all on a shelf

Then break the shelf and burn it
Like none of it ever happened
Or take the bastards out back
And cut them from end to end

Make them suffer, make them pay
But what good would that do
Cause really in the end
I still end up screwed

Screwed in the head
Completely torn apart
I'm damaged goods
With a broken heart