You Don't Deserve Space in My Head

Just the recent rantings of my mind:

You can have your shame
You can have your pain
It's yours
You caused it
I don't want it anymore

Just take it away
I don't care how
Just make it fade
Since you dished it out
You should have to take it
Take it away
Now

I want nothing from you
I never did
I don't even want revenge
I want no memory of you
Or the things you did
You don't deserve space in my head

GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP
GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP
GO AWAY MAKE IT STOP

Anxiety Touches

Goin down in a spiral

Don't know what to do

Depression not so much

But anxiety's through the roof

I'm tryin so hard

Just to make it through

Tried the ER

But they just throw pills and bills at you

Goin to therapy

But that only helps so much

When you cry every day

Cause anxiety's got you crushed

Gotta keep prayin

It's my only recourse

I'm tryin to be positive

Gotta keep lit that torch

The torch of hope

Hope for the future

A time of no pain

When everything's kosher

But sometimes I don't wanna be positive

I hate it all

I'm so exhausted
I often fall

Fall into the trap
Trap of self pity
It's just like quick sand
Can't move, full of rigidity

Anxiety touches
Every aspect of my life

Micah 6:8

• He has told you, O man, what is good. And what is Jehovah requiring of you? Only to exercise justice, to cherish loyalty, And to walk in modesty with your God!
• • Micah 6:8

Joshua 24:15

Now if it seems bad to you to serve Jehovah, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve,... But as for me and my household, we will serve Jehovah.”

Philippians 4:6, 7

Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

1 John 5:3

For this is what the love of God means, that we observe his commandments; and yet his commandments are not burdensome,

2 Corinthians 8:9

I'm starting something new and positive. I'm going to start posting some of my favorite scriptures. I hope you enjoy!

We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out;  we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 8:9

2am Ramblings

So I'm awake again at 2am With racing thoughts again So much on my mind Even trivial things are keeping me awake. Some very random thoughts, some hurtful, some positive. Trying to focus on the positive, but focusing isn't exactly working right now. I'm so tired, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can also still hear the tv. I can barely concentrate on writing this. I wish I had an actual keyboard to type this on. It would be so much easier! Anyway, my poor husband is so sick right now, and there's nothing I can do to help. My oldest daughter is also sick and on her period, that's just not fair! I miss my Mama, but I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her, but it's going to take many months to get enough. I need to be approved for SSI so badly. I wish they would believe me, I wish they would understand! I just can't work. I mean if you combine my physical health with my mental health, or lack thereof, there's no way I can even work part time somewhere. I just can't be counted on to be consistent or adhere to any kind of schedule. I can't do it. My anxiety is too high, all the time. I don't understand what they want from me, what do I have to do to prove these things?! Geesh, I guess I needed to vent about that! I'm just worried because we're going to get less cash assistance from the state since my oldest just turned 18. So I don't know if we'll make the bills. And I really don't know how I'm going to save to visit Mom now. :( I don't know what to do. Just keep pluggin I guess. Ok, I'm trying to back to positive again. I am very thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like the fact that we get cash assistance at all. The fact that we have food stamps and get SSI for my youngest. The simple fact that we have our own place to live! That is such a blessing. And this congregation that we're in! It has restored my faith in the fact that we can rely and will be able to rely on each other in times of trouble. And that we can have close friends that are in the truth. That they will invite us and not just the other way around. I actually feel loved and thought about by my brothers and sisters. It's been a while since I could say that. And I'm so happy to have the little family that I do. We're all so close. We of course have our problems like everyone else, but we all get along most of the time and we all love each other deeply. We also laugh all the time, it's great! Well, on the troublesome side again, I can't seem to get these painful memories from my past out of my head. Everyday now it seems I'm having panic attacks because of them. How do I prove that to the SSA?! Well I'm really tired so this is it for now.

Problems? What Problems?!

So this is my time to whine. No one will probably even see this, which suits me just fine. I mean who wants to read someone's woe is me blog, right? I just wanted to vent. I'm tired , and have a cold. My washer won't work right so it takes an unbelievable 4 hours to wash a small load! So now it's  midnight and I'm still up waiting for it to finish. Then I have to hang up the clothes and just hope they will be dry by 9am, or before that actually so we can leave by then. Not to mention that our water heater keeps breaking and the pipes keep breaking. So sometimes we're even without water for hours at a time. Geesh my head hurts just thinking about it!

Those are the trivial problems. Our power will get shut off if we can't pay almost $200 by the day after tomorrow. Then the next bill is due 8 days later. We have no income right now. I'm disabled and sick and can not work. My husband can only work sporadically due to his own health conditions. I have had my application for SSI and SSD denied over and over again for over 5 years, with what looks like no end in sight. Our internet bill has been overdue for who knows how long. I'm seriously surprised they haven't shut it off yet! Thankfully our roommate does get SSI and SSD and therefore can pay the rent and phone bill. But even that isn't guaranteed because things keep happening with his bank account so we keep being at least a little short on the rent.

As if that wasn't enough, our food stamps didn't get recharged when they were supposed to. So now I have to call them and figure out what the heck is going on. In the mean time, we hardly have any food. Plus, now I'm getting fat! So maybe it's a good thing we don't have much food! Ugh! So that's it for now. I figure, Why not save more for later.

P.S. Oh yeah, did I mention I was just diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and am now on 4 different medications? Yep. : D

'Nuff Said

'Nuff Said

I know now how strong I was

In the face of your abuse, everything

Cause I was still stubborn

Spoke my mind, said anything

Yeah you hit my face

But I get to rub it in yours

Cause I got a man now

Who can cook and do chores

So go ahead and think you're tough

Cause you frighten and hit little girls

While he's the real man

Cause 2 little girls think he's the world

Meanwhile, you need knives and guns

Or you won't face a man

While mine can protect me

With his bare hands

So you can have your beer

Your bike, your 'friends'

Cause you will never touch me

Ever again

Helter Skelter

I needed protection
but I didn't get it
For your self-preservation
Mine was neglected

So sit in your recliner
While I live in a shelter
Go play some more golf
While my life is helter skelter

I never want to see other people again
Just leave me alone
Especially the men

Not all men are bad
But I can't trust that
Only my husband is good
Fortunately I stumbled onto that

So much more I want to write
Much more I have to say
But my brain has stopped working
So maybe another day

Self-pity Quick Sand

At least I've saved them from this mess
Yet my kids are still depressed

Why me is all I can think
Sometimes I hate myself
And in self pity then I sink
I want to put it all on a shelf

Then break the shelf and burn it
Like none of it ever happened
Or take the bastards out back
And cut them from end to end

Make them suffer, make them pay
But what good would that do
Cause really in the end
I still end up screwed

Screwed in the head
Completely torn apart
I'm damaged goods
With a broken heart

Broken Heart, Frantic Mind

Oh hear my cries
Do hear my pleas
Do hear my prayer
Jehovah please

Please heal this pain
Within my heart
Make it fade away
I need a fresh start

I've been hurt so badly
I went unprotected
How can I forget and just move on
For so long it went undetected

I don't want to be numb
but don't want to feel this
'this' is hell in my mind
that my heart can't dismiss

At this rate I'll never sleep
These wounds are far too deep
My sanity I just can't keep

Since they've sown
Then they should reap...

That Sound

The memories flood in
Will they ever end?
A single sound is all it takes
and then my heart aches...

Doesn't matter what I'm doing
or where I might be
The disgust and fear consume me

Anger then takes over
Takes forever to recover
The shame I feel is haunting
to speak of it is daunting

Chaos then ensues
My emotions are battered and bruised

I can't forgive them
Why should I
Even for my own good
How could I

Even though we've discussed it at length
They still don't know how it's scarred me
Why couldn't they just protect me
Why couldn't the men just leave me be

It's a daily occurrence to hear that sound
You'd think I'd just get used to it
But the second it enters my ear
I'm transported right back there

Right back to that time
Right back to that place
Where I'd have to see his disgusting face

I long for that day in Paradise
When it won't come into heart or be called to mind
I feel that I can't keep going on
But I know now that it won't be long

I'll have peace of mind
I'll be home-free
Then noone will ever again hurt me

You're Ok, Ya' Know?! - For My Wonderful Sister

Take flight from your past
Leave behind the shadow cast

Chalk it up to experience
Relax, gone is the violence

You're finally free from all the pain
You'll never have to live it, ever again

They've already taken your past from you
Don't let them have your present life, too

Take charge of yourself, your feelings, your life
You're a wonderful mother, daughter, sister and wife

You've got it together, now never let go
You've got too much to live for, you're okay ya' know

These things won't be called into heart or to mind
For Jehovah is gracious, tender, loving and kind

Don't ever forget - you're worth all of that
So get on with your life & don't ever look back!

Untitled

There's beauty in life
though crushed and despised
despite all the lies
and untimely demise
still we can certainly thrive
Oh yes there was strife
yet they were blessings in disguise
we'd never have known the joy
if not for the fight
the fine fight of the faith
keeping eyes on the prize
our hope for the future
an earthly paradise
So feel not the shame
others bestowed upon you
& live for Jehovah
the only God True